Reviews, articles, rants & ramblings on the darker side of the media fringe

Posts tagged “PG-13

Poltergeist – Teasers

635585846873878005-POLTERGEISTHANDS-1024x768635585847198986173-POLTERGEISTBIGHNADS-1024x768The first official images from the Poltergeist remake are online… and a teaser to the trailer.


Poltergeist – Remake News

PoltergeistMore sad remake news is that the remake of Poltergeist will be a very PG friendly film. I know that the original was borderline but the difference being that it was so well done… something you can barely say about any of the plethora of remakes over the last decade.

Collider spoke to Sam Rockwell and asked him about the remake. Had he seen any footage yet:

I’ve seen a little in looping. I hope it’s good. I really don’t know. I really wish I could tell you. I’m praying that it’s – I mean, it’s gonna be hard to live up to the first one. The first one’s pretty damn good. This one’s gonna be in 3D though, I can tell you that.

The actor then added a bit more about the film’s protagonist and angle:

The 10-year-old boy is really the protagonist this time. JoBeth Williams was the protagonist for the most part in the first one and now the kid, it’s really through his point-of-view. So it’s more of a kids’ movie so I don’t know if it’s gonna be like rated-R scary.

The first wasn’t R-rated scary, as mentioned above, but it was pretty damn scary. Rockwell elaborates:

It’s not like Conjuring type of scary. You know, it’s a different kind of movie. It’s more of an adventure. It’s essentially a child abduction film when you come down to it. I mean, the original Poltergeist is too.

The Poltergeist remake will probably be PG-13 as per Film Ratings HERE. It’s rated PG-13 for “intense frightening sequences, brief suggestive material, and some language.”


Real Steel – A Review by my 5¾ year old son *****

Real Steal is about robots fighting robots, some are good and some are bad. Charlie (Hugh Jackman) is a guy who fights robots. His first robot is smashed by a bull, the bull smashes the robots leg off with his horns and throws it into the crowd.

He has a boy, Max (Dakota Goyo) who is 11 and goes with him to robot fights.

Charlie orders ‘Noisy Boy’ from Japan and he can’t understand Charlie but the girl (Bailey played by Evangeline Lilly) opens up the back of his head and changes some of the wires and makes him understand English. Noisy Boys control is a screen with blue lights and a microphone that he can speak into too to control him. Noisy Boy loses his arm and head, he has purple blood.

Some robots only have remote controls like Wii Sports.

When they go to get new robot parts, Max falls off a cliff and he’s stuck on a robot hand and he’s rescued. Charlie said “I saved you” but Max says “No”, the robot saved him, so he digs up the arm and it’s a whole robot.

He digs it up and after he cleans it up with a hose, he sees that the robot is called Atom and turns it on. Max paints the name Atom on the robot with aqua paint. The girl recharges Atom, he has stitches on his face  that look like a nose and a smile, and he has blue eyes. His remote control is not like Noisy Boys, he can copy Max’s movements and the dads in his fight with Zeus.

SPOILER ALERT Zeus is the strongest and baddest robot, he’s the champion robot. Atom stays alive to the end of his fight with Zeus, Zeus wins (on points) but really Atom was winning at the end.

5 out of 5 stars


Teenage Vampire Movies – Twilight etc…

Apparently this ‘Twilight’ thing is really big with the kids. That’s a good thing; hopefully some of them will search out better vampire flicks and develop an appreciation for the genre beyond Robert Pattinsons cheek bones. With the impending release of the final Twilight instalment, of the recent batch of teenage vampire flicks are there any good ones..? Anything as good, for this market, as ‘The Lost Boys’..? Doubtful but worth a look anyway… marks in A, B, C and D ratings, just like your school reports! Twilight: Breaking Dawn trailer here

We’ll start with ‘Twilight’. I didn’t hate it, as a teenager movie it works well. Yes there are a lot of woe-is-me tormented teenager scenes but they are handled fairly well. The performances are good, particularly Kristen Stewart as Bella. By now everyone knows the story; Bella moves to a remote North-West town to stay with her father, she falls for local vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), he vows to protect her. It looks good and director Catherine Hardwicke manages to keep the film flowing well without too many cringe worthy moments. The North West setting really gives the movie a different feel and it looks great. The only problem I have with it is it’s not really much of a vampire movie. Yes there are vampires in it but they are just there, they don’t really do any bloodsucking and are merely portrayed as an odd family. I like a bit of neck action from my vampires and on that score ‘Twilight’ let’s us down. Cue screaming abuse from 12 year old girls… It is a pretty good movie though; it’s entertaining and obviously hits all the right notes for its target audience. B

The first ‘Twilight’ movie is Citizen Kane in comparison to ‘Twilight: New Moon’. The sequel was directed by Chris Weitz and is a poor follow up. The desaturated look from the original is gone and replaced with vibrant colours, the restrained emotions are now all out there and the CGI werewolves are laughably bad. This time around Bella is torn emotionally between Edward and Jacob (Taylor Lautner); a love triangle that never really gets going. I didn’t like this second movie at all; it’s all a bit obvious and overstays its welcome at 2+ hours long. We really don’t need all the longing looks, pouting and silences. Just get on with it… a disappointment after the surprisingly good first movie. D+

Cirque du Freak: The Vampires Assistant was directed by Paul Weitz, brother of New Moon director Chris. Paul has made a better movie than his brother. Cirque Du Freak is much more fun than New Moon and out points it on almost every level. Apart from sibling directors the other thing that both movies have in common is awful werewolf effects, the one on Cirque is possibly even worse. The story isn’t very original but then these days what is? It’s done fairly well though, moves along at a good pace and has a sense of humour. Teenager Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia) and his best friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson) go to see the Cirque Du Freak. One thing leads to another and after a series of mishaps to save Steve’s life Darren makes a deal with vampire Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly) that involves more than he bargained for… There are some good performances from John C. Reilly, Ken Watanabe and Ray Stephenson; and Salma Hayek is clearly having fun as a bearded lady. Having already said that this is better than New Moon, it’s not as good as the first Twilight. C+

There are a few vampire series on television now. True Blood is excellent but out of this age bracket. What is in the age bracket though is Kevin Williamsons ‘The Vampire Diaries’ and it’s terrible. Admittedly I’ve only seen a couple of episodes and it’s clearly for teenagers, so not aimed at me… but there’s no denying that it is an awful series. They should be watching the UK Skins (NOT the terrible US version) or anything else. D

I don’t have a problem with the Twilight series, unlike most horror fans who sneer at its tweenage crushes and lack of blood & guts. It’s not aimed at the hard core horror audience so they were never going to like it anyway. However,  it has struck a chord with its intended audience and some of them will no doubt watch more vampire movies because of it, some may even watch more varied horror movies in general and surely that’s a good thing. My top 10 vampire movies will appear here next week.


The Deathly Hallows – The Story of Snape


Prom Night (2008) *

Reviews have been getting a bit too positive of late so I thought I’d have a look at Prom Night (2008) to redress the balance a bit. This movie probably isn’t even worth the time and (half-hearted) effort to write up this review, but here goes…

It’s senior prom night for Donna (Brittany Snow) and her best friends. With her boyfriend Bobby (Scott Porter) and two other couples, she’s booked into a suite at the hotel where the prom is being held. It should be a wonderful night. Anyway Donna has ‘issues’, she suffers from nightmares in which she replays the terrible night when her family were killed by her ex-teacher Richard Fenton (Jonathan Schaech) who was obsessed with her. He was caught and sent to a mental institution somewhere miles away. Would you believe it, he’s only gone and escaped and has turned up at the very same hotel. He checks in and kills a few people; the chambermaid, a porter and three of Donnas friends before closing in on Donna. The cop (Idris Elba, what were you thinking?) who helped put Richard away is alerted that he’s escaped, three days after the breakout! He heads to the hotel to protect Donna.

So what’s wrong with it? Well, the script is so clichéd that I thought it must have been written by a 12 year old who’d just seen ‘Halloween’ and a few episodes of whatever the kids are watching these days (insert generic teen crap TV show here) and thought that by mixing them together he’d struck gold. Struck a sewer pipe maybe… It’s shit. It lacked any originality in its ridiculously predictable plot and stereotypical characters. The acting (Ha!) was terrible by almost everyone, and again, Idris Elba, what were you thinking..?

The direction took the clichés from the script and obviously surmising that there weren’t enough of them on screen decided to throw in more for good measure. I have no idea how many times we see a character open/close a mirrored door to have someone appear in it but it has to be a world record. Suspense..? What’s that? There’s none on display and for a horror movie it’s usually kind of a pre-requisite. Atmosphere… ditto. Violence… No. Nudity… get real it’s for kids. On that, what’s the point of a slasher flick for kids..? The killings are quite bloodless and no fun at all. Part of the slasher flick appeal is seeing new and unusual ways that generally good looking scantily clad teenagers get killed.  Not here. I would have liked this more if everyone had been killed in the first 5 minutes therefore saving me from wasting my time.

It’s not even a bad remake of the original Prom Night (1981) which was a fun slasher flick. Apart from the prom setting this shares nothing in common with the original.

Quality: 1 out of 5 stars

Any good: No, no stars