Reviews, articles, rants & ramblings on the darker side of the media fringe

Movie Reviews by Kids for Kids

Guardians of the Galaxy – By My 8 Year Old Son *****

Guadians-Of-The-Galaxy-2014Guardians of the Galaxy is about a thief called Star Lord, an alien called Gamora, a racoon called Rocket, a tree called Groot and a warrior called Drax who all come together to save the galaxy from Ronan. Star Lord steals an orb which has inside of it the Infinity Stone. The Infinity Stone is so powerful that it can destroy galaxies. Ronan steals the orb with the Infinity Stone and uses its power to attack Xandar. The Guardians of the Galaxy battle Ronan to save the planet.

My favourite parts of the movie are the start when Star Lord dances to the song called ‘Hooked On A Feeling’ by Blue Swede. I also  like when the Guardians first come together in the prison to escape, it’s funny and chaos all in one. I like Star Lord because he’s funny and cool.

Guardians of the Galaxy is the BEST movie of the year. I give it 10 stars and I can’t wait for a next movie.


Maleficent – By My 4 Year Old Daughter *****

maleficent

My son has been writing reviews on this site for a few years now, he’s 8. We went to see Maleficent and although my wife and I thought it would be too scary for our 4 year old she was desperate to see it as she loves the Disney Princess series of features. After trying to explain a five star review system (a few times) she consistently gave it twenty stars. Here is her review…

Maleficent was like good. I loved the movie. I loved that Maleficent did good stuff. I loved all the powerful spells she did. I think Maleficent was beautiful and I loved her.

I liked it when Maleficent kissed Aurora, and when the fairies kept Aurora in the cottage and Maleficent visited.

Some bits were scary. The dragon bit and when Maleficent got angry, and some of the creatures in the forest. I liked it when Maleficent sent her armies to fight.

I love Maleficent because she’s from my favourite princess movie, Sleeping Beauty.

 


Godzilla – By My 8 Year Old Son *****

Godzilla_bannerGodzilla is about Godzilla versus MUTO which means ‘Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organism’.

Scientists discover a giant fossil and one egg which has hatched and one egg which has been damaged. The egg that had hatched was MUTO and he went to Japan and destroyed a nuclear power plant.  He feeds on nuclear radiation and grows stronger/massive.

After 15 years MUTO outside the old nuclear area, MUTO attacks breaks free. He goes to America where a female MUTO destroys Las Vegas.

SPOILER ALERT Then Godzilla follows them and fights the male MUTO and he slams it into a building and it dies. After that the building collapses on Godzilla and everyone thinks he’s dead. The female MUTO lays some eggs and tries to stop a boat with a nuclear missile on it, but Godzilla has a massive battle with her and blasts plasma down her throat and tears off her head.

godzilla_2014_textless-posterMy favourite part was in San Francisco where everyone was relaxing and on the tv news it was saying ‘Las Vegas Attack’ and no one was taking any notice until the wall smashed and MUTO was outside. My other favourite part was when the firemen broke down a door and the Elvis Presley song that me and Dad sing to my sister was playing and then the firemen look outside because the wall is destroyed. All these other buildings with MUTO destroying most of the city and all these helicopters flying around that’s when the song goes: “You’re the Devil in disguise”

It was awesome, I give it 5 out of 5 stars  ;D


Amazing Spider-Man 2: Rise of Electro – By My 8 Year Old Son

The-Amazing-Spiderman-2_Rise-of-ElectroI took my 8 year old son and 2 of his friends to see Spider-Man 2 last weekend… it’s taken a while for his review. I didn’t think any of them enjoyed it that much (I didn’t) but apparently I was wrong…

Spider-Man 2 is just Spider-Man in a different suit from the old movies. This time he’s fighting Electro, Green Goblin and Rhino. It’s like The Amazing Spider-Man movie.

My favorite part was when Spider-Man stooped a criminal at the beginning, he shot webs at both his arms sticking them out wide, then his mouth and then pulled down his pants with a web and then walked away and did a cool pose with his hand in the background when a machine gun fell on the criminals head and knocked him out.

MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT It was a surprise when Gwen Stacy died at the end. I gave it 4 stars.


Robocop by my 8 Year Old Son *****

robocop-2014-1280x800Robocop is about a man inside a machine, like what Cyborg says “It’s the man not the machine”. He starts as an agent who is almost killed by a bomb in his car. They put robot armour on him; they then change him by giving him robo vision which he can tell if the guy is a criminal or wanted by the law. He can see whatever crime scene whenever it’s happening.

Robocop_2014_posterThere is lots of action and violence. The film is fun as there is an awesome way to play laser-tag in the movie. The best bit in the movie is when Robocop flies through a door on his motorbike with timed bombs and bullets flying into another room. The room is pitch black and filled with guys with night-vision and machine guns. Robocop jumps out and shoots them all and runs through the room and plays laser-tag!

I give it 5 out of 5 stars.


Thor 2 – Reviewed by my 8 Year Old Son

Thor-2-The-Dark-World_Banner1Thor is about these creatures called “Dark Elves” who was led by the chief elf Malekith who lived before us in a dark universe but was defeated by Asguardians 5000 years ago. But Malekith  survived and is looking for the ether to help him destroy Asguard.
Thor needs Loki’s help to defeat Malekith but they don’t trust each other.
My favourite bits are near the start when a giant rock creature walks up to Thor and he smashes it to pieces, and asks everyone “anyone else.” And all the bad guys bow down, and one of Thor’s friends says “next time lets start with the big one”
The other funny bit is when the scientist called Eric is on the tv news naked and his private parts are pixeled out.
I liked it, it was good fun.

I gave it Thor and a half stars.

Thor-2-The-Dark-World_Banner2


The Wolverine by my 7 year old Son ****½

The Wolverine_Poster ArtA delayed review from my son as he wasn’t really that interested in seeing The Wolverine on initial release. I couldn’t understand why as it seemed to have most of the ingredients he likes: Comic book superheroes battling bad guys… When I asked why he wasn’t keen, he said that “Wolverine just ‘complains’ all the time, it’s boring” Anyway, we eventually saw it, here’s the inevitable review… albeit more synopsis than review:

The Wolverine starts in an army prison in Japan, the Wolverine is a soldier and he’s locked in an empty iron well. A nuclear bomb gets dropped on a Japanese city (Nagasaki) and Wolverine saves one of the Japanese soldiers.

A few years pass and Wolverine is in the mountains with a beard. He is friends with a bear, then some guys kill the bear with poison arrows. Wolverine takes one of the poison arrows and stabs it in the guys hand and he says “It’s poison” then pours some beer on his hand.

Then a Japanese girl, who is like a Ninja, arrives and takes him to Japan where he meets the soldier that he saved in Japan. The old guy dies and Wolverine gets a haircut and at the funeral Wolverine won’t get back in line because he is suspicious of some bad  guys. Soon an army of bad guys come to the funeral to take the old mans grand-daughter away but Wolverine and an archer save her. Then he is on a bullet train and washes his wounds , just then he fights some bad guys!

He wakes up and Viper takes some of his mutant power away so he wont heal. He takes the girl to her old house which is where the old prison was. He does work chopping up a tree on the road, then some bad guys take the girl away. When he’s on his way to save the girl that’s when Wolverine fights 40 Ninjas but he gets about 23 poisoned arrows in his back and he gets caught.

SPOILER ALERT: He then has to fight a giant adamantium Samurai the ninja girl fights Viper. Viper shedded her snakeskin. Wolverine sees that inside the adamantium samurai is the dead old Japanese man.

I give it 4½ stars. Because there’s not much fighting and a lot of talking.


Pacific Rim by my 7 Year Old Son *****

pacific-rim-poster-bannerPacific Rim is about giant monsters attacking earth. Different country’s create robots called Jaegers. The Jaegers must save the world from the monsters.The monsters are giant and the Jaegers are giant.
There are two pilots in the Jaegers. Two of the pilots look like they are General Zod’s soldiers from “Superman 2”
My favourite part was when the USA Jaeger grabbed a giant ship and smashed the ship on the monster. My other favourite part was when the Jaeger fist smashed through a huge building and it’s knuckle hit some metal balls on a desk and made the the sound “TING”.
I think it is Appropriate for ages 6 and over. I gave it 5 stars. (I enjoyed it more the second time around. The dialogue didn’t bother me as much, the set pieces were still incredible and I really enjoyed seeing the awe on my sons face at some of the battle scenes. He thought it was funny where it was meant to be, and spectacular pretty much throughout… I guess it’s far more kid friendly than I initially thought).

Man of Steel – Review by my 7 Year Old Son ****

Man of Steel_BannerMan of Steel is about superman and general Zod. General Zod wants to destroy earth and make it   Into a new Krypton. Before superman came to earth Zod and superman’s father battled each other on Krypton but super man’s father got stabbed & Died.

Superman has to save the world from a giant ship called “The World Engine”. Superman must fight Krypton soldiers with the same powers as superman, and one of them is Zod. Army,air force and police battled the soldiers. The only way to stop them was to fire a big missile From Krypton On to the world Engine.

man_of_steel_posterMy favourite part is when superman was arrested and told Louis lane that he can break out. He easily broke out by snapping The Handcuffs. Louis lane Looked like Giselle From “Enchanted”.

SPOILER ALERT!!! Superman kills Zod by braking his neck…

I give it 4 stars. I would have given it 5 if Superman had fought Brainiac. I think the movie is okay for a 7 year old to watch (He adds this as his Mum questions whether he should be able to see these movies).


ParaNorman – By my 7 Year Old Son ****½

ParaNorman_bannerParaNorman is about a boy called Norman who loves zombies and he can see and talk to ghosts but no one believed him except his a kid called Neil who wants to be friends. He can even talk to his dead grandma when he’s watching televison.

Everyone thinks he’s odd, and he gets bullied at school. But  he discovers the witches curse that is on his town that brings the dead people to rise as the undead. But no one believes him about that until it comes true.

ParaNormanThen Norman, and Neil, and his sister and the bully have to help save the town from the witches curse. SPOILER ALERT The zombies are actually good, one of them is called The Judge, and the witch is a teenager .

It was much spookier and better than Hotel Transylvania and as good as Frankenweenie. I liked it best when Norman pretends to be a zombie when he’s cleaning his teeth and when the zombie came out of the bathroom with toilet paper on him.


Frankenweenie by my 7 Year Old Son

Frankenweenie is about a young boy called Victor and his dog Sparky. One when they were playing baseball, the ball goes on the other side of the road, when Sparky chases it, when he runs back a car hits him and he dies. For his science experiment Victor makes Sparky come back to life by using Frankenstein’s experiment with lightning.

The school was having a science fair and Victor was going to use Sparky as his experiment at the fair, but one of his friends finds out and wants to do the same experiment. He uses a dead goldfish but when the experiment is over, the goldfish is invisible. Then other kids do the same experiments with other dead pets. The best dead pet is Shelley, a turtle who grows into a giant turtle like Godzilla who goes crazy and attacks everything.

I really liked it; it’s funny and spooky, more spooky than Hotel Transylvania. My Dad told me that it’s in black and white to make it like a copy of the old Frankenstein movie, which is called an homage. SPOILER ALERT The end is the same as the old Frankenstein movie when they go to a windmill and burn it. I haven’t seen it yet but my Dad says I can watch it and his other old spooky movies (He means Universal Classic Horror).

I give it 4½ stars


Hotel Transylvania by my 7 Year Old Son ****

Official synopsis for Hotel Transylvania: Dracula, who operates a high-end resort away from the human world, goes into overprotective mode when a boy discovers the resort and falls for the count’s teen-aged daughter.

My Sons review: Count Dracula builds a hotel for all the monsters to have a break away from humans, the monsters are all scared of humans. Dracula is in charge, he has a daughter called Mavis who he doesn’t want to let go out in the daytime as she would be burned by the sun Dracula’s friends are Murray the Mummy, Frank the Frankenstein monster, Wayne the Werewolf, and Griffin the Invisible Man and all the other monsters. A human comes to the hotel called Jonathan, and Dracula tries to hide him from the other monsters by dressing him up as a half-monster like Frankenstein.

The  favourite parts of the movie for me was the beginning when they showed us all the monsters and the graveyard near the castle. I really liked the zombies, especially when they were on fire. It’s pretty funny, the funniest bit is when Frank does a fart-prank on Murray the Mummy, and Murray gets blamed.

If little kids liked spooky stuff, they will like the movie, if not they could be scared. It’s not really a scary movie, I would like it more if it was more scary. I give it 4 stars, it would get 5 if it was scary.


The Amazing Spider-Man by my (almost) 7 Year Old Son

My son went to see the Amazing Spider-Man with his aunt and cousin, so I am yet to see it. He liked the movie and wrote this review to explain the story to me… he seemed to like it as much as the other Spider-Man movies.

The Amazing Spider-Man is called the untold story, and it’s about Spider-Man starting all over again. He makes a new suit and gadgets. His gadget on his arm is like a watch on his arm that shoots webs out of it.

Spider-Man gets bad guys out of town like Batman. He has a new guy to fight called the Lizard. The lizard used to be Peter Parkers friend who is a scientist, he puts needles into mice with no arm like him; the needle makes them turn into lizards. He puts the same needle into his arm and he gets scaly skin on his arm, he rips it off and he has a new arm. But it turns him into the lizard.

Spider-Man fights Lizard on a bridge and has to save cars from falling that the Lizard is throwing off the bridge. Spider-Man also saves a kid who is in one of the cars.

That’s all I can remember. It was good fun, I liked the bit when Spider-Man shoots a web onto a bad guys penis, but the bad guy had clothes on, but it still hurt him.

Stars 5 Stars


The Dark Knight Rises – By my (almost) 7 Year Old

After what seemed like thousands of requests, and reasons as to why he should be allowed to see it, I took my (almost) seven-year old son to see The Dark Knight Rises. He still hasn’t seen Batman Begins or The Dark Knight, so I prepped him with a little bit of back-story…

I like the Dark Knight because it is from a DC comics and I like DC comics. The Dark Knight Rises is about a dark storm coming to Gotham, and he’s called Bane. Bane is a big evil strong guy who wants to destroy Gotham and Batman.

Bruce gets robbed by Catwoman, then Bruce Wayne goes to the doctors, the doctor tells him that he’s got lots of bruises on his legs, his arms, his back and his head.  But he goes back to the Bat Cave and Alfred presses a button and his new bat suit and gadgets come out of a hole in a glass cage.

First Batman chases Bane on his motorbike, Batman catches Banes henchmen but not Bane, but Bane still has some henchmen left. Batman rescues Catwoman and they escape in Batman’s new Bat jet. Batman fights more of Bane’s henchmen before Bane and Batman fight. Bane knocks Batman down, he picks him up and puts Batman in a hole in the ground which is a jail. Batman has to climb up to get out, he falls first, then climbs out and gets his bat suit back.

SPOILER Bane trapped all of Gotham’s Police underground, but Batman explodes the concrete and the Police escape. All the Police fight Bane’s henchmen, but Bane has a huge bomb that is going off in twelve hours. Batman comes back and knocks some bad guys out, then Batman breaks Banes mask, and beats Bane.

I liked the movie, my favourite was Batman. Bane was good too. SPOILER The best bits were when Batman flew in his jet and exploded Banes tank and the bit when Catwoman shoots Bane with the guns on Batman’s motorbike. It is too scary for little kids.

Stars: 5 Stars


The Avengers – By my 6½ Year Old Son *****

The Avengers is about good guys fighting bad guys. Loki is the bad guy who brings an alien army to attack earth.

At the beginning, Black Widow is captured and Loki attacks the underground station and hypnotises Hawkeye with his power.

Captain America tries to catch Loki but he needs Iron Man to help him. Then Thor takes Loki away, but Thor fights Iron Man and Captain America.

Black Widow gets the Hulk to come to Nick Fury’s ship where Nick Fury brings the Avengers together. Black Widow fights Hawkeye and brings him back.

Loki escapes and brings his alien army to earth and all of the Avengers battle a whole army of aliens and sea monsters who can fly. Loki tries to hypnotise Iron Man but he can’t because Iron man has a robotic heart.

SPOILER ALERT

In Stark tower, Hulk smashes Loki like a basketball. Iron Man saves the earth by exploding a bomb in the alien spaceship.

It was a long movie and little kids would be scared, but a big kid like me would give it 5 stars.


Wrath of the Titans – By my 6 Year Old Son *****

Wrath of the Titans is about Perseus fighting big monsters. Perseus is a half-god who fought the Kraken in Clash of the Titans. Perseus doesn’t want to fight anymore but his brother Aires and his uncle Hades capture his father Zeus and tie him up to two sticks covered with lava.

Perseus has to fight a giant two-headed hairy dragon called a Chimera, which breathes fire.

Perseus and the Queen go to an island where they meet 3 Cyclops giants. They are friendly.

Perseus has to go into the Underworld to save Zeus. In the Underworld all of the stone walls move which is like the Hogwarts stairs in Harry Potter. He rescues Zeus and they get chased by Kronos who is a giant lava monster.

MASSIVE SPOILERS. Hades changes sides and goes with Perseus and Zeus. Perseus kills Aires.

Zeus and Hades try to fight the lava monster but they can’t beat it, but Perseus puts all of their power weapons together into a spear and flies on Pegasus into the lava monsters mouth and kills it.

Zeus dies and Hades leaves at the end.


Hugo by my 6 year old son ****

Hugo is a about a boy called Hugo Cabret who lives in a train station in Paris. He looks after all the clocks in the station.

Hugo is always being chased by the train station policeman and his dog. Hugo always gets away but gets caught outside a cafe when two dogs find him hiding.

Hugo has a clockwork robot that can draw. He can’t make it work but he meets a girl called Isabelle in the station and she has a key for the robot. When the robot gets the key it draws a moon with a rocket in it’s eye. The moon with the rocket in it’s eye is from an old movie that the guy from the toy shop made.

Hugo had a dream about a train crashing through the train station, when he wakes up his body was robotic like the clockwork robot. That was another dream.

SPOILER ALERT At the end, Hugo sees the movie with the moon and the rocket and goes to live with the old guy and Isabelle.

PARENTS NOTE. The ‘guy from the toy shop’ is Georges Méliès, the legendary French filmmaker and cinemagician.


Real Steel – A Review by my 5¾ year old son *****

Real Steal is about robots fighting robots, some are good and some are bad. Charlie (Hugh Jackman) is a guy who fights robots. His first robot is smashed by a bull, the bull smashes the robots leg off with his horns and throws it into the crowd.

He has a boy, Max (Dakota Goyo) who is 11 and goes with him to robot fights.

Charlie orders ‘Noisy Boy’ from Japan and he can’t understand Charlie but the girl (Bailey played by Evangeline Lilly) opens up the back of his head and changes some of the wires and makes him understand English. Noisy Boys control is a screen with blue lights and a microphone that he can speak into too to control him. Noisy Boy loses his arm and head, he has purple blood.

Some robots only have remote controls like Wii Sports.

When they go to get new robot parts, Max falls off a cliff and he’s stuck on a robot hand and he’s rescued. Charlie said “I saved you” but Max says “No”, the robot saved him, so he digs up the arm and it’s a whole robot.

He digs it up and after he cleans it up with a hose, he sees that the robot is called Atom and turns it on. Max paints the name Atom on the robot with aqua paint. The girl recharges Atom, he has stitches on his face  that look like a nose and a smile, and he has blue eyes. His remote control is not like Noisy Boys, he can copy Max’s movements and the dads in his fight with Zeus.

SPOILER ALERT Zeus is the strongest and baddest robot, he’s the champion robot. Atom stays alive to the end of his fight with Zeus, Zeus wins (on points) but really Atom was winning at the end.

5 out of 5 stars


Batman (1989) – Review by my 5¾ year old son

Waiting for some new movies to come along, Real Steel is his next big one, my 5¾ year old son has decided to review the eighties/nineties Batman franchise…

Batman is about good guys fighting bad guys. Batman, Alfred and the Police are the good guys, the Joker and his mimes (henchmen) are the bad guys. Joker is called Jack before he falls into an experiment of goo and turns into the Joker.

Bruce Wayne remembers that Jack killed his mum and dad when he was a little boy so he really wants to catch him.

SPOILER ALERT The Joker tries to kill everyone in Gotham City with green gas before Batman stops him with his Bat-Plane. The Joker escapes to the top of a church steeple with Batman’s girlfriend. Batman has a fight with the Jjoker, but the Joker doesn’t go to Arkham Asylum because when he tries to escape in a helicopter, Batman ties a gargoyle to his leg and it’s too heavy for the Joker to hang on, so the Joker falls and dies.

Any good: 4 out of 5 stars


Green Lantern – by my 5¾ year old son

Another review from my 5¾ year old son. The star rating is deceptive… it changes for random reasons.

“Green Lantern is about good guys fighting bad guys, but it’s not like Captain America who is joined with the army, he fights bad guys on his own. He is called Hal and he becomes the Green Lantern when a green light takes him to the ocean where an Alien has crashed; when the alien is knocked out he gives his ring to Hal. The Green Lantern can think about anything and make it, like a sword, a machine gun and giant fists, and he doesn’t have to use his hands to take his mask off. The bad guy has a fat face with big veins on his head. He helps the big brown monster but the big brown monster kills him by sucking his skeleton out and the dirty old skeleton falls to the ground. And Hal kills the big brown monster by throwing it into the sun and the big brown monster explodes. It is good fun but a little bit scary for little kids. Green Lantern is a better good guy than Captain America but the Red Skull is a better baddie than the guy with the big head with veins.”

5 out of 5 stars *****


Captain America – Review by my 5½ year old son ****

Another review from my 5½ year old son. This time for ‘Captain America’ starring Chris Evans.

Captain America is about army men fighting the Red Skull’s men. At the start of the movie Captain America is little and skinny and is a good guy. He doesn’t like bullies and he tries to keep joining in the army but they won’t let him because he’s little and skinny; until he goes into a machine and it makes him strong and fast and big. He doesn’t die in the movie, he nearly dies when he jumps over a big explosion after the Red Skull pulls his mask off. The Red Skull was in disguise as a bad person when he pulls his mask off his face is all red, he’s the Red Skull.

The best bit was when he punched a punching bag and it flies across the room. It might be too loud in the fighting bits for little kids. It was really good. Not as good as Thor, but better than Pirates, Super 8 and Transformers.

4 Stars


Ghostbusters – A review by my 5½ year old son

Another review by my 5½ year old son. He can’t wait for Harry Potter (he’ll have to wait for me to see it first to make sure it’ll be okay for him… which he’s not happy about) so he knocked off this review of Ghostbusters which he saw for the first time at the weekend.

Ghostbusters is about ghosts and Ghostbusters. The Ghostbusters are guys who stop the ghosts from causing trouble. It’s about gargoyles that break out of the gargoyle statues and come alive. And it is about one skeleton ghost and a green ghost. It is about a giant marshmallow man and the Ghostbusters were attacking it and it looks good but it isn’t really. It is a little bit scary for little kids.

Rating 4 stars out of 5


Transformers 3 – A review by my 5 year old son

Another review by my 5 and a half year old son. “Transformers is about giant robots; good robots fighting bad robots. The good robots are Autobots, the best ones are called Optimus Prime and Bumblebee; the bad robots are called Decepticons, the really bad ones are Megatron and Sentinel Prime. It’s about soldiers fighting the bad robots. Sam is Bumblebees best friend; Sam helps the Autobots to fight the Decepticons. There is a lot of fighting and it is fun and I liked it and the fighting parts were really loud and I thought it was too scary in the loud parts. And I saw a little kid in the movies and he looked scared. But it was good.”

4 out of 5 stars

I was concerned when he gave this 4 stars, however when I asked him to rate in order what were his favourite movies of the last few months he came up with the following list:

  1.   Thor
  2.   X-Men
  3.   Pirates
  4.   Super 8
  5.   Transformers

He really struggled to explain what the movie was about when he dictated his review on Sunday afternoon. He struggled to say anything other than “It was about robots fighting robots”; that pretty much nails the entire 2½ hour running time.


Haunted Mansion – Review by my 5 year old son ***

Another review from my 5 year old son. He couldn’t wait until the weekend to review ‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’ so knocked out this review until he sees that behemoth on Saturday afternoon. This is more of a synopsis than a review. SPOILER ALERT. He gives away the ending. I usually edit out huge spoilers from his movie reviews but figured that this is so old now and no-one is going to rent it anyway.

“It’s about a spooky house that’s called a mansion. It’s about ghosts and graveyards. A man and a woman give some people some cookies. There’s a nice ghost. The nice ghost helps the man get his children out of a box from the skeletons that are spooky. The bad ghost can’t get hurt by anyone but in the end he gets fire on him and the good guy is okay. It’s not too scary for kids but little kids might get scared. It’s spooky and funny but spooky.”

Any good ***